-Bad Vixen xx
Words used by some to describe others.
She’s a Jezebel.
A bad seed.
Don’t stamp me with your judgmental labels.
Just because a woman chooses to make money off of dancing,
To entice by entertaining,
To utilize her body to support herself,
Does not mean that she holds any less value than another woman.
I mention my profession to others and they shudder.
My mother, my sister, my friends.
Not because of their concern, but because of the very real possibility that their husbands, boyfriends, fathers, sons,
Have the option to gaze upon my nakedness for a price.
The same motivation that causes men to clam up and turn angry,
Taking out their secret fears in the form of aggression and distance.
Why is it that men can visit a “strip club”, and argue that “it’s all for fun” to their nervous and worry-prone wives, yet when the ladies in their life make the choice to dance for a living, their view of strip clubs suddenly turns negative?
Which is it?
A seedy environment, or just for fun?
I have no shame.
I am not a whore, I am a business woman.
Dancing is more about sales, and less about looks.
I am an actress.
Ask those same men if they’ve ever watched a porno.
The ones who hate that their women dance.
The answer will be yes; it is inevitable.
Tell me something,
Is it true that the justification of watching pornography is that it’s just for fun?
No real harm is done,
And there is no shame in it.
I wholeheartedly agree.
Why should dancing be more offensive than internet porn?
Dancing is not degrading.
Dancing does not involve unspeakable sexual acts.
Dancing does not involve multiple partners,
Or the exchange of bodily fluids,
Or a physical act that involves the physicality and emotions of others.
So why should my dancing be more offensive than your internet habit?
It’s just for fun.
No real harm is done,
And there is no shame in it.
Neither hurts the other.
While each may be uncomfortable for the other party,
(Sure, you don’t want to think about me dancing in front of others,
and sure, I don’t want to think about you jacking off
to two strange women drinking semen on the internet)
if we both think about it rationally,
there is nothing mechanically wrong with either situation.
There is more justification to dancing.
I like to dance.
What isn’t appealing about using makeup and tanning beds and lingerie
As tax write-offs?
What isn’t there to like about working out and painting my nails
as part of my job description?
For a brief moment in time,
I am still young.
Another birthday will soon pass,
And I’ll be in my mid twenties.
Five more birthdays will pass,
And I’ll be
Thirty years old.
And having babies.
I want to be established by that time.
I want to be driving a nice car by that time.
I want to have a heavily padded savings account.
I can only jump upon this opportunity for a short breath.
Then the opportunity will be gone.
This is not my aspiration.
This is not my career path.
This is not even my dream.
But at the moment,
This is a secure and smart option for me.
I am beautiful.
I am charismatic.
And I can sell.
If I can work three day work weeks,
at 80% less stress than my old job,
and achieve what I want from life in a fraction of the time,
while making multiple times more money than average,
I’m going to go for it.
I have tried to be honest.
I can’t help but tell you the truth.
I have considered your feelings because I love you.
What about mine?
I’m sorry if I appear selfish,
But I have been struggling to stay afloat since 18 years old.
It’s time I grab my life by the reigns
and do what it takes to make my life what I want it to be.
If it is uncomfortable for a season,
So be it.
I want to provide for myself.
I want to provide for you.
I want the freedom,
I deserve the right–
To fly out to California and see my dad when I want.
To move to Austin and live where my heart desires.
To afford to go out in the evenings with friends,
To not struggle to keep my head above my monthly bills,
And to purchase a reliable car.
I am sorry you disagree.
I hate that something I do—
That anything at all—
makes you distance yourself from me.
You are my soul mate.
I am your fiercest supporter.
And it pains me to hurt you in any capacity.
But I have bent to the will of others for far too long.
My overbearing ex boyfriend when I was too young to fight back,
My own perception of who or what I should be,
And now your disapproval of my choice in job.
What is more degrading:
Taking my clothes off
and making hundreds and hundreds of dollars doing what I enjoy?
Or waiting hand and foot on groups of ungrateful people at a restaurant
Making $2 an hour plus tips?
I think the answer is obvious.
I know we may never agree,
But I want to be heard.
I need you to acknowledge that maybe you are hung up on the idea that
“This is bad”
because of your own deep, dark fears,
and maybe it really isn’t all that bad.
I hope you can learn to see my side.
I love my job.
I enjoy every aspect of it,
And if God blessed me with a beautiful body and abundant charisma,
Who am I to let his blessings go to waste?
This is the path my life has taken –
For the moment—
And in the blink of an eye it will be over just as quickly as it started.
I am not afraid of hard work.
I am not afraid to be criticized.
And I am not afraid to do anything—
Everything I need to—
To take my life in the direction it needs to go.
I am the master of my own destiny and it has been far too long since I stood my ground for what I felt was right.
This feels right
And I am going to persevere.
I can only hope that with time and prayer
You can change your feelings towards my actions.
And if not,
Then I will pray that we can stay together through this season of strong opposition,
And come out even stronger in the end.
I am not a bad seed,
Or a sinner.